My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
