Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
