I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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