The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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