end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
