i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
