So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
