Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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