I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
