just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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