I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
