I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
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I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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