you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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