It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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