i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
