end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
