She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
