i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
