I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
