Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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