I need to stop coming to work sober
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize