Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
