Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
