I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
