I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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