I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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