She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am naked and annoyed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
