Your face is a jimmy john
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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