The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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