Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
