took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
