it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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