mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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