I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
