Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
