Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
