Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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