this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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