I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
