oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
