Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Floor bacon is actually really good
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
