My friends, they love my intelligence
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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