They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
