Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
