The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
