R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Randomize
