"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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