I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
