Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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