yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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