She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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