theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
