Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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