im having a threesome with these popsicles
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
