Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
