Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
