if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
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