remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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