if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
