I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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